Memories of a Sex-Kitten

2004-12-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

this is only a test.
I haven’t had this much verbal diarrhea swirling around in my head since that time I dropped acid. I don’t want to every glorify that moment or make it seem like some cool rebel thing that all suburban teenagers should try because really, when you examine that night, what I did was incredibly stupid and irresponsible. My parents leave town for the weekend and I invite one friend to sleep over. She drinks a couple of my dad’s beers and then goes to sleep I phone J the dealer and tell him that I’m going to “do it” and he says I shouldn’t because there isn’t anyone sober to take care of me. I do it anyway. To be honest, it wasn’t’ even that good. I filled pages of a notebook about my feelings towards Purple Rain, the only movie shown between midnight and three a.m. ever as far as I can tell.
What tripped this latest spewing though, I’m not sure. Could it be a flashback, or just second trimester hormones?
I was visiting theblacksaint.com and pining for Kelso’s run down of the OC, I mean really missing them because she would add in the asides and observations made during the episode by her husband and I always found it terribly funny. Then I thought, why do I care about the synopsis of some show I couldn’t even sit through one whole episode of? That whole train of thought bled into my dislike of the Neutrogena ads featuring Mischa Barton and then a little mini brain rant about how Mischa is a boy’s name (Russian variation of Mikhael) and again, why do I care?This is why I’ll never be a writer, too many discordant thoughts and no way to pull the truly rich ones through

2004-11-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Hot boy at work told me that he coaches girls high school volleyball. I almost bit my knuckle with jealousy. Poor guy, he's just too cute to be surrounded by seventeen year old girls. They must throw themselves at him. I understand completely.

I have a great fantasy stored up staring my completely-geeky-but-gorgeous 24 year old grade 12 biology teacher and a super-sexy seventeen year old me getting inappropriate in the lab prep room. Sigh, if only I could have made that one a reality.

baby news: MG and I have decided on Yellow for the nursery, and I found this that is an absolute must buy for the baby.

Now, back to the fantasies!!!!

2004-10-29T07:58:00.000-06:00

Dusting the cobwebs off old relationships . . .
When I was sixteen I used to go to your house after school. You had this dingy bedroom in the basement, no finished walls, lit by a bare bulb strung from the rafters. You had a fantastic collection of LPs and you would put Depeche Mode on your stereo. We would crawl into your twin bed and I would go to sleep. You would spend side one looking at me and side two running your hands up and down my body, never pushing it, never taking it too far. After the record was done I would wake up and you would drive me home.
This went on for weeks and I became this calm, serene person. But I never kissed you or reciprocated in any way.

Last night I had a dream about PB, whom I always lusted for. It was the most salacious, intense sexual dream that I can remember. I wanted to consume him, I was running my tongue over every part of his body, kissing and caressing him, taking all of him into every part of me.
I wish I could be fourteen again, knowing what I know now. I would do to him what I did to him last night in my mind, and I would hold my head high when they called me a slut at school!

Baby news: It's A . . . BABY!!! The ultrasound showed that I am indeed carrying a human baby. Gender could not be determined as the little darling was covering up the area where the "bits" are located. I'm painting the nursery yellow, buying one teddy bear and one tonka truck. The layettes will be white, yellow and green. The minute I actually give birth I will send MG into the night to purchase gender specific articles for Nut.

BAH

Halloween news. This Halloween I will attempt to get into my sex-kitten attire. Failing that I thought I would put on stretch pants, a belly shirt and high heels and go to the Halloween fete as a cougar.

2004-10-25T13:38:00.000-06:00

Fun with comments
lol BG!
I'm not worried about anonymous and his fear of homophones or the awful disintergration of the typed language, I'm just saddened that anonymous won't give me a legitimate name(persona) or email address. I may love to reciprocate a fantasy or two.
*Sigh*
The family health problems are intense this month. 3 relatives diagnosed with inoperable cancers of various body parts.

Baby news. MG and I picked out a pink and a blue colour scheme for the "Nursery" hopefully on Wednesday we can actually purchase the paint! My dad is hoping for a girl - his justification? A girl he can play with, a boy he will have to teach stuff to. MG's mom would LOVE a boy, her justification? Someone to carry on the family name, odds are MG's bro won't be breeding anytime soon.
There is $10 riding on the gender between MG and I & so far, I just keep dreaming it's twins.

"Sex with pregnant women is alright" - a direct quote from a co-worker, he also celebrated the news of my pregnancy with "Alright, now we can fuck properly!" - for the record, he and I have never, ever fucked, improperly or otherwise.

Porn, that's what I have been craving lately, but I'm cheap. I've just been relying on the softcore crap that gets broadcast on Showcase early morning. Ahhh, Canadian specialty channels, all smut, all the time!
After losing the DirecTV signal for the last time MG and I have had to resort to paying for it. Broadcast TV that is. While we miss the cartoon network & their fabulous Adult Swim line up we have noticed that Canadian Porn Broadcasters do not skimp or edit out details. Canadian porn does contain popshots, women swallowing and anal sex. American Porn Broadcasters generally edit this content out. Now, for me it's not necessary to see these images, I'm happy with a scene involving oral sex of some sort followed by penetration (which can be implied, I have a decent imagination) but MG prefers his smut to be well, smuttier.

House set up - I was appraising our basement longingly, if not for the impending arrival of Nut I would be converting it into a functional dungeon. As it is, the old futon is down there and so help me, I just want to get tied down to it and spanked!

2004-10-15T14:03:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Wow, checking the comments left on the last post I don't know what to make of it all. Have I intrigued someone and offended another? Have I intrigued someone and their posts have offended another person? Do I care?

Pregnancy news:
Ultrasound in two weeks. This marvel of modern medicine means I get to sit in a private clinic waiting room that is the wrong temperature writhing in agony for twenty-five minutes over my scheduled appointment time with a full bladder. Upon entering the exam suite a lovely young lady in scrubs shall cover my belly in ice-cold KY and then press the ultrasound device into my bladder and drag it slowly and deeply across my midsection. If I don't leave a puddle on the exam table I will be the exception to the rule! But for the agony I shall be rewarded with my first images of Nut. I will also, hopefully, be rewarded with the knowledge of Nut's gender. This will aid in the painting of the nursery. I am not a new-age parent, I think gender colours are completely appropriate, If I have a girl she shall be swaddled head to toe in frilly pink things. If Nut is a boy he will get blue coveralls and a toy truck!

Urges and Cravings:
No food related cravings. I do have a yearning to watch the Star Wars Trilogy tonight so it's a stop at Blockbuster after work. I also have been craving touching men. I just want to rub up against any available man as though I was a cat, you know, that slinky, purring, ass in the air rubbing that cats get away with. Oh and cock-stroking. I have been craving the feel of a man's cock in my hand.
So to ...@hotmail.com and poop982@hotmail.com if you have found this posting entertaining or insulting feel free to leave another comment, but this time can you be specific as to your issues/attractions with the site. Vague comments and suggestions fly right by me I am afraid but feedback is, as always, welcomed and encouraged.

2004-09-23T21:44:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
MG informed me that he was visited by the "Sex Fairy" in the early morning. This benevolent sprite descends upon men in the wee hours of the morning to gratify them sexually while they sleep. Should I burst his bubble and reveal that it was I who awoke at 5:47 extremely horny? Perhaps, but only if this sex fairy starts visiting when I'm not around.
Yes, thankfully first trimester vomiting is gradually giving way to second trimester "I don't care where you stick it honey, just stick it in me now" urges. Still, I'm not too keen on the oral just yet as my gag reflex has become a touch more sensitive of late and I keep reading these pre-natal books that advise to avoid cunnilingus for fear of an embolism forming. YIKES!

I hate my job.
Just hate it right now. That's my tiny rant for today.

The corruptible cutie at work was sporting seven hickeys this week. Her boyfriend is her supervisor. His technique could use some improving. I don't care if you are twenty-two and this is only your second or third "real" relationship, hickeys stop in junior high. Read a book children! Or, invite me over to observe and instruct!

2004-09-11T08:50:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I find it strange that even though this first-trimester nausea has killed almost all of my sexual impulses I can't stop masturbating.
My preference is clit-dithering for five or ten minutes until I have a wet & twitchy orgasm and then I have a nap. I've been doing it this way since 'Careless Whisper' was the number one song on the radio.
Sometimes I do crave a kiss, a deep wet kiss. But then I think that if someone were to put their tongue in my mouth I would hurl. So no kissing, no fucking, & definitely no oral.

*sigh*

Only 30 more weeks to go!

2004-08-27T16:16:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Overheard in the lunchroom today:
'She was three years older than him so you know she must have been hard up.'
'You know, Jon Lovitz, the guy that was in Rat Race'
The Jon Lovitz comment reminds me of another job where I worked with eighteen year old kids.
Upon hearing a song on the radio this girl says, 'This is a really good song, who sings it?'
To which a co-worker replies, 'That's the Beatles, you know, the band Paul McCartney was in before Wings."

To quote: I am getting to old for this shit.

2004-08-23T13:27:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I wish my nose was stopped up. The lunchroom smells like curried fish feet. It is about 15C today and rainy, so the sweater goes on to go down to the production floor and off again as I walk up to my office.
I have thrown-up every day for the past seven weeks.
Consequently all of my clothes still fit properly.
MG teases me that it's all because of the "miracle of life". I told him that if he keeps up the humor I am going to make him suffer come delivery day.
I am sick to death of the women who try to scare me into getting an epidural and try to scare me out of breast-feeding.
Seven years and 51 weeks ago I delivered a healthy baby who was born in a frank breech position without the aid of an epidural. While I had received a shot of the lovely and delicious morphine about five hours prior to labour, I still felt everything.
The women who are pro epidural all had it for their first child. They hadn't even felt the pain, they just opted for a needle and a shunt in the spine.
Bah!
As far as the breastfeeding, well, I never got to breastfeed my first, but I dealt with the pain of three days of engorgement. I'll take the learning curve pain of feeding my child this time thank you very much.
Now, if only the nausea would stop.
We are calling the baby "Nut" right now. It came from one of MG and my very whimsical conversations where we try to out do one another with atrocious baby names. I said "Nut" and it stuck.
On the topic of baby names, we bought a baby name book that had the most horrible section for girls names. There were maybe three good names out of ten thousand for girls. Of course I could just be a name snob. I am quick to discard all stripper names (anything that ends in an "I" or a "Y")** and all names that were popular circa 1948, i.e. the names of all of my Aunts.
MG has bet me $10.00 that the baby will be a girl. Nine more weeks until one of us has to pay up.
That's the one thing all of the pregnant women could agree on, find out the gender as shopping becomes easier from that point on.

** This rule does not apply to male names like Anthony and Vassili (both of which I like but MG assures me we are not Italian or Greek enough to use) Male stripper names tend to end in -irk or -ance or -ock or -ick

2004-08-13T10:24:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Peanut butter & honey sandwich
pancakes
Egg Roll with 2 packets of plum sauce
spicy tuna maki

2004-08-11T11:02:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Potato Salad
Cheddar Cheese
#48 noodle bowl
Da-De-O Four Tune Fritters
Vanilla Cake Mix

2004-08-06T09:36:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

2004-07-23T18:43:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
He calls me "Angel Tits"
Gotta luv that man!
This baby on the way thing has done wonderful things for my wonderful boobies. I am fast approaching a D cup, and they feel so different. Somehow fuller, more velvety and luscious. Oh, and did I mention my nipples are hyper-sensitive? All The TIME!!!
Yummy, that's all I can say.

2004-07-21T10:24:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Kitten as a Cat.
Yes dear readers, my focus is shifting. I received a little blue plus the other day and am expecting a litter of my own very soon.
For those of you in the know, this is not my first time as a pregnant sex-goddess, but rather the first planned and desired impregnation in my life. If the discussion on this blog turns to nothing but sore nipples and weight gain, I do apologize. I predict I will still need an outlet for my sex-kitten and the mother goddess residing in my brain.

2004-07-08T18:03:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
My god this has been a long week. I need a beer and a fuck. I need someone to twist my nipples and call me suzy.
I need a smack on the ass and a cock in my mouth.
And I need for all my managers at work to get the fuck back to Toronto and leave me alone for another two years, because week long audits suck.

2004-06-25T12:10:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
This reminded me of a trip to Seattle when I was thirteen.
We were waiting at the bus stop near a car park when I looked into the bush and saw the following items:
(1) Comdom Packet
(1) Discarded Used Condom
(1) Bloody white rag
(1) Red Rubber Dog Bone

I pointed this pile of refuse out to my sister who told my parents. They moved us further up the street until the bus arrived.
To this day the scenario that those props could spell out is a little fuzzy.

2004-06-23T11:45:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Just call me "Boom-Boom" today.
I felt like being a little naughty today, So I am sporting my very dangerous push-up bra. Coupled with my hideous polyester work garb I am two steps away from putting out someone's eye.
We have a new phone system at work so the boss and I have been trading dirty greetings. He calls to ask me if I'm changing into my work clothes, I ask him if he'd like to book a call back. Now if only I could work past the feelings of inappropriateness to give the man a shoulder rub. Not just because it would be a sexy/naughty work thing, but he is under a (metric) ton of stress and could really use it.

2004-06-11T15:44:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
So help me, I almost grabbed co-worker ass today.

2004-06-08T14:38:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I sat in a four hour meeting and played with my tits, surreptitiously.
It was delicious.

2004-06-07T13:24:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I have been thinking about fucking all day.
I want to stradle some well hung man in an office chair and just grind away on his cock until I'm drippy and exhausted.
These thoughts have penetrated my ability to work effectively today. So if you are my boss and you are reading this, the loss of productivity was due to horniness.

2004-06-03T07:45:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

I wish that I had you back in my arms again. Just one more time. I wish that I could taste your sweetness, your softness.

There are days when I miss girls. The velvet softness of their lips, the smoothness of their skin. The way they cuddle into you when they want something.

Unfortunately, it is easier to find a man with a B-Cup than a woman with a 2x6 in her pants.

****sigh****

2004-05-31T12:40:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

Ahh, so much for the house-cleaning. Sorry about the detritus below, it had no where else to go.
This weekend was amazing!
The company golf tournament was a success. My foursome (mmm) consisted of My Guy, OMI, his girl, and me.
It was so much fun. The day had the makings of an excellent Penthouse Forum letter.
As I've stated before, OMI's girl is fuckin' hot! So I offered up an impromptu swing lesson on 11, got behind her, grabbed her hips and showed her how to swing them. Her shot never really improved, but neither of us cared. On 17 I repeated the lesson at her request. OMI and MG appreciated my instruction too. There was much talk of firmly grasping shafts and kissing balls.

I followed up that day with a fantastic Sunday. Let's sum it up by saying that maybe those missionaries had a pretty good idea.

2004-05-24T20:28:00.000-06:00

d�tente de sexe-chaton

Yes, that's me. I am atop the scariest chesterfield in NATO.
This photoblogging thing may be fun . . .
To my guy, relax, I'll keep it cleaner than literotica.

2004-05-21T08:33:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
A nice distraction.
go flames go.

2004-05-17T08:43:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Have I been punk'd?
Gwynneth Paltrow's daughter is named APPLE.
Further proof that celebrities aren't real people and don't have a clue.

2004-05-14T11:24:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I knocked off work early yesterday.
I went home to sit on the sofa, watch tv, eat corn chips and masturbate.
It took longer than I expected it to because even though I was quite drippy I was continually interrupted by the plot.
I hate when you get involved in a story line and get sidetracked away from the main focus of the event.
I'll stick to masturbating in front of sporting events from now on.

2004-05-12T06:56:00.000-06:00

This is fucking real.
Okay, This was supposed to be my haven of anonymity. My place to vent and dream and pine.
Now that too many people I know are reading I've become self-censoring, repressed.
I am tired of that.
I have given up on dreams too many times for the happiness of my men.
What about me?
This is my fucking page baby and if you don't like it, stop fucking reading it.
If it feels too real and you are questioning when it could have occurred, stop and think.
The title says MEMORIES.
I had a past once.
IF I WANT TO REMINISCE DO NOT TAKE IT AS A REFLECTION OF ANY INADEQUACIES IN MY CURRENT LIFE. If I wanted to change my current life I already would have.

2004-05-11T07:32:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
The snow is rushing by my window horizontally.
I remember the New Year's Eve when we sat on the swings in the playground and you told me you loved me.
I ran away from you in that moment and you had to chase me one more time. Tackling me in the snow and kissing my face you kept asking me why I would run away from love, and I kept insisting you couldn't love me because I was evil and could never love you back.
And I showed you that in the end.

2004-05-07T11:32:00.000-06:00

I remember you and that night.
It was incredibly cold but I walked with you to the Subway so you could buy your dinner. There was a homeless person sleeping in one of the booths. The girl behind the counter said on a night like this she didn't mind. She even bought him a coffee so the manager wouldn't flip if he came in.
It was late.
You bought some monstrous sandwich loaded with everything. She heated it for you and then we walked back to yours.
It was a bit of a waste to heat it at the store, the cold night air sucked all the heat out of the sandwich. You re-heated it at your apartment.
I sat on the back of your sofa, facing you in the kitchen. Watching you fussily wipe down the counter while waiting for the microwave.
When it was ready, you offered me a bite. I wrapped my legs around your waist and sank my teeth into it.
Later, as we were taking a shower, I let you fuck me naked. It didn't matter, I said, and it didn't.
That was the last time.
this is only a test.

2004-05-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

by the way, that is a PVC top I am sporting in the photo.
And I am lying on the scariest chesterfield in NATO.
I have more pics from that lost weekend, sadly they are in negative form and I am cheap. But perhaps I will spring to develop the one of my girlfriend in my PVC dress handcuffed to her man's bed. . .

2004-05-06T10:36:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
ahhh, fuck it. I can be brave. or stupid.
I put up a pic today.

2004-05-05T10:15:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

BG often writes about his boss across the state. Well, I have a boss across the country. Two of them to be exact.
Nothing can be more frustrating than having two women tell you what to do at one time.
Especially when they can't agree on what they want you to do. They only know that they want it done NOW!!!!
The fact that they are across the country is the only saving grace.
I liked when my girlfriend would tell me what to do:
faster
slower
harder
softer
oh god yes I'm coming!!!!
There is incentive and reward built into that system, it helped that she was in the same bed as me and knew exactly what she wanted.
The director of the department has never even met me. She doesn't know who I am and since she only came back to the company (mat. leave) three or so months ago, she doesn't know what I can offer.
My manager hired me but did not train me.
Sounds silly doesn't it?

2004-05-03T11:11:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

And now I am anemic
Neat!
The doctor told me that I needed Hot Beef Injections daily.
I made that up.
But he did tell me that I needed to eat more liver. Yay, Iron helps up play!
I also have to take these pills that make me feel terrible.
Fortunately I have tits and can play with them whenever I want!

2004-04-29T20:34:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

Too many demands on my time this week!
& now I see Ed is sad because I don't post enough!!!
Is there no pleasing my men????

I need some serious time with the restraints this weekend, and some one to smack my ass around.
ahh, sweet tension relief!

2004-04-25T21:15:00.000-06:00

this is only a test
this has been the strangest weekend ever.
But no, I won't go into details. I think it's sufficient to say that the relationship with my guy took one big step back and two rather large steps forward this weekend.
& I hope this need to cry isn't because of that but rather a symptom of PMS.

2004-04-22T09:43:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Update (mostly for Ed)
OMI has a girl, she is so friggin hot that I want her, he still hits on me but his loins aren't really in it anymore. . .
My guy is still at his job, all seems to be well with him.

what else can I say?

2004-04-21T12:13:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
speaking of bad seventies porn hair. . . I have recently stopped shaving my cooter. I'm keeping it trimmed at the sides to accommodate the odd thong I may wear, but I've gone for a lush forest instead of the standard bare look I used to sport.
Sometimes change is good.
mostly it's due to laziness.
BTW Ed, I don't think is looks like a bad seventies porn 'stache, but that seemed to be the consensus from other readers.

2004-04-20T07:26:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.

anti-tech weekend went very well, I resorted to dildos instead of vibes!

2004-04-16T06:56:00.000-06:00

Hey kids, I'm going on a short trip, I'm going to avoid computers for three or four days and get back to nature...I'll see y'all on Tuesday!
this is only a test.

2004-04-15T11:30:00.000-06:00

The last time we were together was so damn rushed! Your roommate was going to be home soon and she wouldn't understand. Not to mention the fact that your girlfriend had keys to your apartment and a fondness for spending her lunch hour with you. We were rushed, too rushed for foreplay. It was rutting. Hard, fast and full of passion. The orgasms were intense but rushed. We were dressed and back in your living room sipping tea minutes later.
That was the last time.

this is only a test.

2004-04-14T12:17:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Oh, how I miss fucking you. . .

2004-04-13T17:55:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
The importance of smell, well odour really, cannot be overstated. The tall boy at work smells so good all the damn time. Mmm I just want to lick him. **sigh** I had a really great fantasy involving him, the shortest guy at work and me, more on that another time. . .
I invested in a new conditioner this weekend that smells like vanilla and ???? Something indescribable that makes my guy bury his nose in my hair and just breathe. Oh I could melt.
I can't stand when people smell like the foods they've been eating or when they smell like bathing isn't on the priority list. And as for "funky junk", nope, not to my liking!

2004-04-12T11:19:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Reunion sex, that is, sex with someone you haven't seen for a while can go wrong very easily. You have to show your partner that you have learned a thing or two while you were apart, but you don't want it to seem as though you've fucked your way through the hockey team. . .
Of course, if it's sex with someone that you were supposed to have been monogamous with the whole time you were apart you have to be even more careful!

The weekend with the parental units was okay, there is a dog in the house now, that was a real WTF? moment because my parents haven't had a pet for a decade (I killed the cat, long story, no cheering please)

& I had good reunion sex with my guy when I got back home. . . it almost makes me want to leave more often!

2004-04-08T12:24:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Easter weekend! WOO HOO
I was raised Catholic, I went to a Catholic school, and we observed the major christian holidays. Now that I am all grown up, I really love going to the Wal-Mart on Good Friday to look at the chocolate motorcycles and dinosaurs and exclaim "Oh look, just like Jesus had!!!!"Well, that and watching "The Life of Brian" with my dad.
I'll blog you all on Monday!

2004-04-07T06:39:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I am such a selfish bitch!
I interrupted my guy's computing session to give him a seventeen minute blow-job.
After he came in my mouth, I spun the computer chair back towards the desk and left the room to go make popcorn. Of which I didn't share any.

2004-04-05T19:19:00.000-06:00

I hate daylight savings time.
I say that twice a year.
I am tired.
I am going to get into a bubble bath, get all nice and soapy-warm, masturbate and climb into a bed made with fresh flannel sheets.
I hope you all have as pleasant a night.

this is only a test.

2004-04-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

20 confessions
1) I cheated on them all.
2) I own 17 Stephen King Books.
3) I've re-read them all more than once
4) I kept a bottle of vodka in my closet when I was fifteen.
5) I tapped a cement pillar with my mom's car when I was sixteen, tore the bumper and never told the parents what happened.
6) Five months later I let my sister take the blame for it when she hit another car.
7) That stain on the big pillow in my parents basement is raspberry flavoured lube.
8) I was screwing him that night that dad was out of town and you had to work late.
9) I did lie about the migraines, but only because I hated that job.
10) I gave JR a hand job on the back steps of the school in grade eight, in between our respective inter-school volleyball matches.
11) I took about $200 from the peanut butter jar on the lazy susan over the period of eight months.
12) Every time I took some money, I used it to buy pot.
13) I would have fucked you if you had asked.
14) I did get the message, I just never called you back.
15) That time I missed a week of school, it wasn't the flu. I tried to kill myself.
16) Yours really was too small.
17) I call myself a slut in my head every time I fuck.
18) I broke into your house after I dumped you, but only to get the rest of my stuff.
19) Your stuff I took the day we broke up.
20) Every time you went out of town I slept with one of your friends.

. . .this is only a test.

2004-04-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

this is only a test
Updates . . .
OMI has a girlfriend now. She's gorgeous. I asked him if she was into girls at all or could she be persuaded to be into girls? He just laughed.
OMI has a hot daughter too, which always fucked me up inside because it's wrong to have fantasies invovling the two of them.
Nevertheless. . .
OMI and I have developed this really good friendship, basically because after seeing this woman I know I have no chance, so I've parked my lust and am trying really hard to listen and not fantasize when he talks to me.
The Corruptable Cutie stopped talking to me for a few weeks, but she's coming around again.
We have a new boy at work that is just creepy, and one that is ...mmm, damn hot, but a daddy.

Okay a question now that I really need your help with. The high school friend that is living with my high school ex did the inevitable and invited me & my guy for dinner the next time we're in town. . . what to do?
Should I go?
Am I mature enough to handle seeing her kissing him when he used to be mine but I threw him away? Can the boyfriends handle the potential territory issues? Is this too much like a "High School Reunion" thing?
I really want to go, partially to look gorgeous in front of him, partly to find out where their lives are taking them. The creator part of me has all the angst, but then, she always has.
HELP, Please!

This is only a test

2004-03-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

I masturbated at work today. A quick, joyful orgasm in the ladies washroom to wake me up. I keep nagging the boss for a cot in the shower room, but until we get one, frigging in the bathroom will just have to do.
I thought of the shift supervisor, prick that he is, while I was doing it. That was a little odd. Normally OMI comes to mind, but no, today it was DSS, and he is a prick.
I wish now that I had not committed e-suicide, I wished that I had saved my old blog, or gone private for a while and then come back vigorously. Face it; with an opening like I masturbated at work today, there isn’t a much better return to the world.
Like the craptastic slogan says, live, learn and get bent. At least, I think that is how it goes.

I received two e-mails today. One from Boygenius, and I really must apologize to him now, I owe him a huge explanation as to where I’ve been for 10 – 12 weeks, all in good time, my dear.
I got one from a girl I used to know. She is living with my high-school boyfriend and potential father of my child. Well okay, chances are extremely small that he impregnated me one snowy winter night, but if I were to choose, I would rather it was him than the putz it probably is.
Living with a guy I dated in high school . . . That means we both know what he is like to fuck. It would make an afternoon coffee with her a little awkward. Unless she suggested a threesome, that would be slightly less awkward.

2003-06-10T10:53:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Affairs.

Too many to even recollect properly. The last person who asked me how many people I've had sex with got this as a reply, 'I stopped counting at 40' I don't know how I have managed to cheat in all my relationships, an excellent example of motive and opportunity in play. Wait. I didn't cheat in all of my relationships. The first boyfriend I ever had cheated on me; two weeks before I lost my virginity and he told me he lost his. Oops! That may have set the stage for me. No person was ever going to cheat on me first. What crap logic that turned out to be.
Fidelity has become something I have to work on. The boys are so tempting, actually so are some of the girls.

Friendships.

Am I so naive? Every time I make a new friend they turn out to be psychotic. Either trying to steal my boyfriend, my job or my car! I don't have the energy for personal relationships anymore, I like having a lot of acquaintances and no real friends. People I count as real friends are the ones I call maybe twice a year to see if they are alive, the really good friends extend the same courtesy to me!

Work.

This is the first job I've had in a long time where no one has tried to show me their cock! And I don't know if I should be happy about that. At least in the past co-workers would consider me as a sexual partner. It's just not happening anymore :(

E-mail.
If I get one more crap piece of spam from my acquaintances or co-workers I'm getting out of this medium for good! Communication had to make more sense in the past. You wrote or called people when you had matters of great importance, birth, death, marriage. Now people send me the worst crap with angels and fairies that say: Forward this to 7000 people in the next 38 seconds or you'll have bad luck for the next 82 years! Please! As if there is such a thing as luck.

My wish for the day. . . A dark-haired stranger with fat in all the right places. (don't know where? There are two spots!)
For just one night. No names, no regrets!

or maybe a life would suffice, as in me going out into the world and getting one!

2003-06-10T10:52:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Too many times I have allowed men into my life who were just wrong for me. They weren't bad people, they just didn't understand when I wanted them around and when I wanted them to leave me the fuck alone. Of course, I never had the words to ask for those things, and, more importantly, sometimes I wanted both actions at once.
I am that contrary.

The first time I got tied up I liked it. The thirty-fifth time I got tied up I thought, "Is this all there is to life?" The first time I tied a man up, I hoped he'd asphyxiate. Not because I wanted him dead, just for the drama it would bring to my life.

I've always had a thirst for adventure, but my own inertia, well it's inertia, you know how it goes. I do let things happen though, because I want the drama associated with the act.

I only tied up a man once.
I liked the trust and control I got from being tied up more.

I've done so many stupid things just for the reaction of others; that should be the definition of youth. I let the entire volleyball team feel me up (over the shirt) in grade eight. In front of the school, while waiting for the bus, and the girls volleyball team was there too. Watching, offering their two-cents, all of them wanting the attention, but none of them being quite willing enough to sacrifice reputation for the cheap thrill.
I can't remember the last meaningful conscious decision I made for myself about something important. I usually just let life wash over me. Is life like the ocean? Will the tides continue until the last day of my life?

I am not convinced there is an after-life, even though strange things have happened to me while being hypnotized, I think angels and demons both are the invention of man. I think that when I die my body will become worm-food or ash in the soil, my spirit and my personality will remain in the memories of the lives I touch between now and then. I will cease to be.
And no winged creatures with harps and halos or pitchforks and ukeleles will be with me on a cloud or lake of fire. The world will cease to be to, in a sense, as I will have ceased to perceive it.

It must be like that for all people. The world then dies, every second of every day. And it is re-born again, in the eyes of those who begin to perceive it.

Children. I am terrified of having a child, I'm so fucked up that I can't imaging messing with another human being. Being held responsible for it's every need, it's moral upbringing. You read the page, Would you let a person with this type of morality take care of another human being? Or a fish for that matter?

Ah, self-pity, like a favorite pair of jeans

2003-05-31T10:51:00.000-06:00

this is only a test.
I'm finding myself now re-hashing more and more of my past. Perhaps it is the result of opening this page and writing what I never dare to say. Perhaps it is the approach of another birthday, my own mortality. . .
Bullshit. I write and re-hash and dredge because I am a human female. Full of my own imposed repression and my Catholic guilt. I never say what I want to say because I hate looking stupid in front of anyone. I only play games if I have a good chance of winning.

I once had sex with a man whom I had no physical attraction, because he challenged my abilities and my prowess. I almost never back down from a challenge. I have been known to walk away from a fight though.

I find myself fantasizing at all hours of the day, and yet it doesn't translate into my personal relationships. I should be channeling my desires into the person I'm with. Sometimes I like feeling un-fulfilled. To feed on that burning, that heat I can create with my mind. It can be better than sex. It can be better than chocolate.

Some days I want to walk up to a man and just kiss him, no words, nothing but one amazing kiss. Repression, public opinion, my own floundering self-esteem, these keep me from obeying that desire.
*sigh*